Why is it, the authors ask, that all the great romances of literature and film end tragically...for the heroine? Surely there must be a way for love to flourish without some poor unfortunate woman throwing herself in front of a train, giving in to consumption, being dumped, or settling for Mr. Not-So-Right.
The result of these musings is a wildly funny and enlightening retelling of twelve classics, including Gone With the Wind Wuthering Heights, The Thorn Birds, Casablanca, The Scarlet Letter, and, of course, Romeo and Juliet.
In each, the romantic heroes have learned to behave like responsible adults, actually doing a little relationship work, and can be heard making such statements as "Frankly, Scarlett, I do give a damn. Let's go back to your place. I'll cook you a nice dinner, I'll lay a fire, and, with your consent, we can make passionate love, during which I will be as concerned with your pleasure as my own. Then while you nap, I will wash the dishes and prepare a light, healthy snack to restore our expended energy."
Finally, the record has been set straight and our beloved heroines are awarded with the love they so richly deserve.
- Gone With the Wind (Or, Frankly Scarlett, I Do Give a Damn!)
- Wuthering Heights (Or, Alternative Arrangements for the Weekend)
- The Iliad (Or, Helen of Troy, the Female Separatist Alternative Grunge Years)
- Adam and Eve (Or, Trouble in Paradise)
- Romeo and Juliet (Or, When You Assume You Make an ASS Out of U and ME)
- Legends of the Fall (Or, My Heroes Have Always Been Outlaws with Good Hair)
- The Great Gatsby (Or, What Is He Compensating For?)
- The Thorn Birds (Or, Father Ralph's Personal Reformation)
- Samson and Deliah (Or, Even God Gets His Ends Trimmed)
- Jane Eyre (Or, Listening to Prozac)
- The Scarlet Letter (Or, Beware the Fashion Police)